The follow up blog - Understanding redecoration, makyo/ ego & being here

One of my favourite passages from Spiritual Enlightenment – The Damndest Thing’ by Jed Mckenna...just is so irreverent...and very funny.


“Have you heard of the term makyo?” I ask her.

“Yes, isn’t it something to do with...?”

“It’s a Zen thing. Very handy term. In Zen, no one is interested in spiritual growth. No one is interested in self-exploration or self realization. They’re not trying to become better people or happier people. They’re not following a spiritual path, they’re following a wake-the-hell-up path. They’re completely focused on the hot and narrow pursuit of enlightenment. There’s no consolation prize, no secondary objective. Full awakening is what they signed up for. Of course, as students, they have no real idea of what such a pursuit actually entails, so it’s the job of the master to see that they stay on course. With me so far?”

She nods a little uncertainly.

“The Tao warns to beware the flowery trappings of the path, or words to that effect. There are many things to see and do on the path to awakening. It’s all new and magical. There are points for instance, where you can stop and develop what you might consider special powers; prophecy, telepathy, mediumship, magical arts, plate spinning, whatever. During Zen meditation – zazen – the student might merge into timeless unity consciousness. He might unravel all the complexities of his life in a single glorious sitting. He might feel that he has vomited a gigantic ball of molten lead that has resided in his chest for years. He might descend into the pits of hell and slay all his demons. After such experiences, he might run to his master to share his victories and experiences, only to have the master splash him with cold water by calling it makyo.:

Marls is frowning now, realising that she’s the one being splashed with cold water.

“When a Zen master uses the term makyo, he’s telling his students that the previous gems they’re stopping to pick up or the pretty flowers they’re pausing to collect only have value or beauty in the world they’ve chosen to leave behind. The Tao says ‘beware the flowery trappings Because, in order to possess them or benefit from them, you mist cease your journey, stay in the dream. Ultimately, they’re just a distraction from the tricky business of waking up. Breaking free of delusion takes everything you have. The price of truth is everything. Everything. That’s the rule and it’s inviolable.”

She looks sad. I continue in a gentler tone.

“I’m explaining makyo because this is what’s happening here. You have had some profound insights in meditation and you have brought them to me. Understandably so. Western spirituality seems to equate enlightenment with self perfection, so it’s natural to assume that ridding yourself o mental and emotional baggage is the way to go. But what I’m telling you is that, within the context of searching for enlightenment, your experiences are makyo. You bring me these priceless jewels and I am telling you that you should flush them down the toilet and move on.”

I pause to let that sink in. The point here is less to aid Marla in her quest for enlightenment than to help her see that she’s not on one. I sometimes wonder if I would make a good Zen master but I don’t think so. Or maybe I’d be a great one, depends how you look at it. My emblem would be a graphic depiction of the Buddha’s head lanced on a pike, complete with dripping blood and dangling viscera. The motto beneath the emblem would be “DIE!” Students would line up outside my door and as soon as the first one opened his mount I’d start shrieking at the op of my lungs “You’re not him! You’re not the real guy” You’re the makyo guy? You’re just the dream character!” I’d probably start hitting the student with a stick at this point, which is one of the perks of being a Zen master.

“You’re supposed to be dead! Why aren’t you dead? Why are you coming to see me? You’re the problem! Get out and come back when you’re dead. That’s the guy I want to talk to, not a stupid dream character. Now GET OUT!”

That essentially defines the quest for enlightenment; the you that you think of as you (and that thinks of you as you, and so on) is not you, it’s just the character that the underlying truth of you is dreaming into brief existence. Enlightenment isn’t in the character, it’s the underlying truth. Now, There’s nothing wrong with being a dream character, of course, unless it’s your goal to wake up, in which case the dream character must be ruthlessly annihilated. If your desire is to experience transcendental bliss or supreme love or altered states of consciousness or awakened kundalini, or to qualify for heaven, or to liberate all sentient beings, or simply to become the best dang person you can be, the rejoice!, you’re in the right place; the dream state, the dualistic universe. However if your interest is to cut the crap and figure out what’s true, then you’re in the wrong place and you’ve got a very messy fight ahead and there’s no point in pretending otherwise.”



Cracks me up everytime.... DIE DIE DIE...bwahahahah

I also find it totally reassuring. We get to stop where we want on this journey. We do not have to commit to awakening. The whole point of being here, human is to enjoy the drama and play with our lives... there is no point being enlightened...or rather, in this reality of illusion...to be enlightened is to be outside of the fun.

Excerpts from Books – Redecorating the Office/ Stepping into Enlightenment

One of my pivotal books at the moment is ‘Spiritual Enlightenment – The Damndest Thing’ by Jed Mckenna. Seems to just hit the spot about where I am and how odd it feels right now – a stranger in a world where everyone else seems to be comfortably normal. Thought I would pass on this extract... it revolves around the only practice he believes creates an enlightened individual, spiritual autolysis, which is in essence the destruction of the ego. Ego is the enemy and until it is destroyed and the illusion it creates dies, there can be no truth and so, no enlightenment (that is a really bad summary of a truly awesome book that will challenge what you think you know to be true). He is trying to explain the process of becoming enlightened to a student...




‘“Let’s try out a new analogy. I’m making this up on the fly so bear with me. Here’s the situation: You’re sitting in your skyscraper office a hundred stories off the ground thinking about how successful you are and how your life is just grand. With me so far? In terms of satisfaction, you’re very satisfied. You have it all; fancy office, great views, the respect and admiration of those around you, everything you ever wanted. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“So, you’re like that – happy, content, sell-satisfied – for however long; months, years, decades. But then one day, for whatever reason, dissatisfaction begins to creep in. Something about your office starts to bug you. It starts with little things. You’re dissatisfied with your curtains, they don’t go with the credenza at all. “What was I thinking?’ you wonder. ‘How could I have been so blind?’ And now that you’re looking more closely, it’s obvious that the carpet is a fiasco and the artwork is just an embarrassment. One minute you’re happy, the next you’re very dissatisfied. Extremely dissatisfied. This office is simply not an accurate outward representation of your inner professional. You’ve outgrow it.”

“It actually sounds like a pretty cool office ”

“Yes, well, that’s what everyone else things; your friends, colleagues, your family. They think you’ve got it made and that you’re nuts for wanting to mess with it. Of course, you’re only dissatisfied when you’re in the office. You pretty much forget about it when you’re anywhere else. Right?”

“Right”

“and you’re following the analogy, right? These things can be a bit wobbly the first time out. Your office represents your relationship to the larger questions of life and your dissatisfaction represents –“

“Got it.”

“Good. So what’s the answer? What do you do about this very dissatisfying office of yours?”

“Uh, I don’t know.” He shrugs. “Redecorate?”

“Yeas, that sounds right. But this time you’re going to be ery serious about it. You’re going to bring in a top-notch decorator and strip the place down to the floorboards and start from scratch. You’re not going to be a mere dabbler; you’re going all the way with this. You’re a serious professional and you deserve a serious office. See what I mean ? See how what started as a gnawing little dissatisfaction has grown into a life transforming event??

“Oka, “ he says dutifully.

“So that’s what you do. You go out and buy books and magazines on interior design. You talk to people and attend lectures and events. You hire the best decorator you can find; someone you resonate with deeply. You yourself are being transformed by this experience. You yourself are growing, developing, expanding. It’s very challenging, but you’re taking a no-nonsense approach. It’s slow going, but little bu little change is occurring. Your office is starting to look and feel like a genuine outer representation of your inner professional. It may take years to get it right, but nothing wills top you. This is too important. In fact, it has become one of the most important things in our life, right up there with home and family. See what I mean?”

“Yes,” he says eagerly. “The master decorator represents the guru and the redecorating process represents the spiritual transformation we undergo when we truly begin to challenge our beliefs and seek higher knowledge. What started out as a kind of gnawing dissatisfaction has grown into the impetus for important change and although it may seem like a bad thing at first, this is how the process of change works. This is how we develop, how we grow.”

“Exactly, “ I say. “Nobody acts from contentment. We need problems to solve or else we vegetate. That great office was once something we strived to get, then it was achieved and enjoyed in contentment, but then discontent sets in to let us know that it’s time to move on.”

“So, “ Says Kamiel, “that’s what the teachers are talking about when they discuss the dissatisfaction needed to spur us on, right? It might seem bad or uncomfortably, but it

S really a good thing?”

“Sounds right,” I say.

“And that’s the sort of determination and focus that’s required in order to awaken from delusion? To become truth=realised?: He smiles, excited, like he’s just now getting the big picture. “So that’s what you mean by purity of intent!?

I smile back.

“Fuck now. That’s what I mean by recipe fore failure.”

His dismay is instantly apparent. I’ve cut him off in the first rush of a new grokkign and now he’s confused and hurt. I did this intentionally. I didn’t allow myself to be drawn into this “A lot of teachers say’” conversation just wanting to make a point’ I wanted to counterpoint. That’s what the dialogue has been up until now because I wanted to make a clear distinction. This is the critical distinction between seekers and finders. This is where the line is drawn; a line the existence of which ‘a lot of teachers’ don’t even suspect.

That’s the sort of pathetic, half-assed approach that is absolutely certain to keep you confined to your current state. That’s the sort of approach that everyone takes and that’s why they fail.”

He visibly and audibly gulps. “Oh.”

“ The very people and institutions that are supposedly dedicated to waking us up are doing exactly the opposite. They are lulling us into a more comfortable sleep. That’s what we really want and that’s what they really provide.”

He doesn’t seem pleased. “oh, God...well then...then what drives the process of true awakening?”

“Purity if intent, but what does that really mean? Oka, you’re back in the office again, totally satisfied with everything. Life is great. Okay ?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. So now dissatisfaction starts to creep in on you, but this time the dissatisfaction stems from the fact that you smell smoke.:

“The building is on fire now?”

“Wake up and smell the coffin, Kamiel. The building has always been on fire, you were just repressing that knowledge until now. But now you’re aware of it and it’s causing you some dissatisfaction. Quite a lot, in fact, and more with every passing moment. Now for the first time you realise that the flames are right outside the door and the temperature is rising. Acrid black smoke is pouring in. The door busts into flames There is no exit. Now you’re very, very dissatisfied with your office. In fact you’re starting to hate your office quite profoundly. See how this dissatisfaction – this gnawing discontentment on the, uh, feeling level – is of a more immediate and compelling nature then the dissatisfaction brought on by the decor?”

He nods mutely.

“Sure. Now your dissatisfaction with your office is quite intense. Searing really. In fact, your dissatisfaction is so intense that it feels like you’re n fire, like you can’t stand to be in your own skin, like anything would be better than more of this. Now you have no thought at all for career, home or family. Die to a change in your personal circumstances they’ve all been reduced to complete irrelevance. Belief’s and concepts disappear and even death is suddenly small. You’re very focused now You’re in the moment, very present. The flames are feet away. Your dissatisfaction with you office is well beyond anything even a master redecorator could handle for you, agree?”

He nods.

“and there’s no return is there? No going back. No do-over. The fire is here. It’s a fact. Do you see that?”

He nods again.

“And you’re completely alone in all this. There’s on rescue. Your office is engulfed in flames and there’s no one here to save you. Not Jesus or Buddha or the Pope or your mama. This is your dissatisfaction. This is your problem. This is your agony. This is you about to burn to death, okay?

“Okay.”

“Okay/ So what do you do?”

“huh?”

“Your world is burning. The whole office is in flames. You’re in a hopeless, no-escape situation. The pain has started and will only get worse. I think we can safely say that your dissatisfaction is now quite pronounced. What do you do?”

“Christ, I don’t know. Go out the window?”

“really?”

“Hell, I don’t know. What else?”

“Yeah, I guess so. You’re in this inferno of an office while outside the window is blue sky, white clouds and freedom from suffering. That seems like the only possible solution given your very dissatisfying circumstances. But-“

“But what?”

“Well, that’s not Hollywood glass in those skyscraper windows. You start flinging yourself against the window but it doesn’t give. Your dissatisfaction is of such intensity that you might break bones and crack your skull from hurling yourself desperately against the window, all to no avail.”

“Yeah, then what? What happens?”

“Well the obvious thing is that you might simply perish in the hellish inferno. No law against dying.”

He look sate me desperately.

“Or, maybe you have some object that allows you to break the window out. Or maybe the sheer intensity of your – what are we calling it, dissatisfaction? – allows you to break through the unbreakable window. So, boom!, you blow out the window. Now there’ s nothing left in the equation but you, the raging fire and a hundred story plummet to the sidewalk below. Everything is suddenly quite simple. Perhaps for the first time, your life is perfectly clear.”

“Yea? Then?”

“Burn or jump, I guess.”

“Burn or jump?”

“Do you see another option?”

“Burn or jump.” He says flatly.

“When you become so dissatisfied with your office that the hundred story plummet and the sidewalk seem like the better option, so dissatisfied that you actually hurl yourself out the window, then you know the level of dissatisfaction necessary to awaken from delusion.”

He is silent for several moments, head bowed, thoughtful. “I guess dissatisfaction isn’t the right word.”

“Maybe not, “ I agree. “I call it purity of intent, but that doesn’t really capture it either.”

“And that’s something every enlightened master went through?”

“You say it like there are countless enlightened masters dotting the spiritual landscape, but there are extremely few and now you know why.”

“Jesus,” he umbers, seemingly sincere in his effort to truly appreciate what he’s just been told. “Jesus”

I deliver the moral of the story in three easy pieces.

“The price. Of truth. Is everything.”'

Makes me think that until now, all I have been doing is escaping...redecorating the office, creating a temporary solution that reappears eventually.... I am fixing the symptom... not the problem... but I do not want to pay the price.

Being Empowered – Using the power of your Voice and Choice!

The entire goal behind te-a and Conscious Enlightenment is to create empowered individuals. Which requires a number of conditions to be met.

The first and most important of these is to understand what empowerment is. It is not something that you can be given! No matter how long you wait for that guru, that father, boss... whoever it is, no proverbial knight in shining white armour can ever give you empowerment. Empowerment is something you have to take for yourself. It is an attitude, a knowing deep in your soul that you are worthy, that you have a voice and that you have choices.

Yes, you have a choice!

This concept is perhaps the hardest for individuals to ‘get’. Where is the choice when you get laid off and no longer have a home? You have to go to work otherwise there is no food on the table, where is the choice in that ? Where is the choice when you live in a township, have no education and so no way to get a job and provide for yourself and your family?

The thing about choice is that you have to be aware of who you are and your surroundings in order for you to begin to see the choices that are available. The entire mindset that we have no choice  is based on being unaware. We live in a kind of default program, living what we expect to be true without ever questioning our assumptions. We are unaware of who we are, we are unaware of what we think and we are unaware of what we say and what we do. We do not see the connection between what we say and what we do and the experiences we live.  We see instead people (often defined by colour and gender) who speak differently, who act differently and we want to be those people without understanding that really the only thing that differentiates us from them is the way we think about ourselves and our world.

When you live a life of unconscious unawareness, you live a life of permanent reaction, never questioning, never asking if this is true, never wondering if there is something else out there, always wishing and envying those who have. When you are living unaware your seldom believe that you have the ability to create the life you envy. So you never make new choices, instead you say and do the same old things and so create the same experiences and limitations.

Yes, you need to work to get the money to pay for the bills, but is it true that you have to put up with humiliation and derision and unpleasant people ? No! Do you have a choice, yes! The choices range from the extreme (making a stand and accepting the possible consequences there-of) to finding an alternative job, but there are choices.

When you are living in extreme poverty the choices become more limited but they are still there. You still have a choice in how you engage with the world, in who you are being. You get to choose if you are going to be defeated or simply make the best of a horrid situation and if you watch the people who choose not to be defeated, you will see that somehow that choice seems to lift them out of where they are, creating opportunities that open up more choices... and creates a more empowered and abundant life.

Until you as an individual can make a choice (be it where you live, what you do, who you marry or how you vote) based on what YOU want and not based on history, skin colour, gender, culture, circumstances, family, religion or any of the thousand labels that limit your, until then you will always be trapped. Choices need to be free of all those labels, all that history and all that guilt. Choices need to be about what you want ! Which is a question most of us never engage with.

Living in the new South Africa I feel this lack of conscious choice. When I look at my country (one I have a passion for and could never leave), I see one that is still divided by gender and race. I see a nation that approaches each election knowing things are not right but unable to make individual choices based on what they want. Instead we make choices based on loyalty and race and so we create a country where loyalty and race are king, instead of a country where we demand performance and equality. Yes, that is perhaps a simplistic view, but think about it? How do you make the decisions in your life ? Do you think that as a woman your place is defined ? Or that you can not move up the ladder at work because you did not have the right parents, the right school ? All of these assumptions create labels that define and restrict you. All of these assumptions about why you can not create change disempower you and make you into the never ending victim. The people you envy are people who have things because they never believed in those limits and they were prepared to make choices (often hard choices) to do whatever it took to create what they wanted.

At the end of the day, limits are choices. The trick is to become aware of those limits and so either accept them (and the consequences they bring) or make a new choice.

Perhaps I see this from a perspective where I am already empowered, yet there are moments where I feel completely defeated by my world.  The goal behind Conscious Enlightenment was to take the empowerment I created in diving when I attained my world record and transfer it into any and every moment of any and every day. In the real world it is too easy to forget I have a choice an instead fall into the never ending victim thinking that is so pervasive. There are way too many days where I find that the world is a place where there are too many people making choices for me - my boss, my colleague, the President of my country, the President of the United States. I seem to live in a world where other people’s decisions create turmoil in my life. I have to live with the consequences of other people’s actions. I have to stand up and explain why I am not performing yet it is not my fault, these were not my decisions. I live in a permanent state of victimisation.

So I actively work on trying to find choices! I may not be able to control the effects of other people on my life but I can make the choice to let go and instead use that energy on trusting myself and creating a flexible attitude. I can let go of the outcome and focus instead on who I am being and my reactions to events. Instead of being a bitch about it, I can focus on how to make it work for me and so create an experience that is calmer and more pleasant not only for myself but for the people around me. I can make a choice to express my needs instead of getting more and more frustrated as no-one seems to care and I become more and more invisible. These days, the choices I seem to be making seem to be less about changing the circumstances around me and more about changing how I react to those circumstances. I want to be living a life where circumstances and other people do not define who I am and so do not define my experiences. I want to have control back of me.

I want to be empowered. I want to use my voice to make the choices that are right for me. And I want the people around me to start seeing that there is always a choice and to be Empowered is one of them!

What do you Want? Do you know ?

It is one of those days, when I get lost in my thoughts, trying to find my way forward. Inevitably I find myself coming back to that one question, “What do I want?” It is a question that always interests me because, if take a step back and just watch the conversations in my head I notice how hard it is for the various me’s that live in my thoughts to stop focusing on what is wrong and what I don’t want!!

Engaging with that one question was an eye opener for me (and I have to thank my life coach Savannah Steinberg for nagging me with it until I started to really answer). It has also been an evolution. The first couple of times I started to answer I answered with things. I want this job, here. I want this house, here. The problem I find now is the same problem I faced in diving. What do you do when you have a world record ? Where do you go ? What do you create? I have a job I basically enjoy. I have the perfect house (for me at least), so what do I want ? I have run out of ‘things’ to desire and chase after!!!! Is this the end of life ?

What if I changed the answer to the questions? Rather than providing the answer, what if I let the universe find me the ‘thing’ and instead defined who I want to be and what I want to be feeling? I know already that I do not have enough imagination and that my answers will be more of the same...what if I released the universe and allowed it to find me an answer I could not imagine, an answer that would give me the inner world I am looking for.. what then ?

So my challenge to you is simply this, take ten minutes and sit with that question, what do I want ? Then take it one step further and sit and really understand what you are hoping those answers will do to your inner world ?

What do I want ? I want to be living in contentment, peace, laughter and safety (not the physical sort... I want change... a different sort). I want to be adding value and  influencing my workplace. I also want to feel free. What do you want ?

Living Acceptance

The more I Live Enlightenment, the more Enlightenment Intentions I find. A quick recap for those of you who are not familiar with the practice of Living Enlightenment. This is a daily practice that uses the concepts and habits of being behind Enlightened Being as a focus points. The principle is to stop waiting for some mysterious event to happen to transform you into an Enlightened individual and to start practicing the core skills and habits that would be natural one day when you finally do become enlightened. This is not so much about creating enlightenment as it is about creating empowerment using Enlightenment as an inspiration. The Enlightenment Intentions are the focus of the practice and are single words that create a focal point around which you conscious choose your actions and words.

Currently there are 21 defined Enlightenment Intentions and whilst I use all of them I find that some come up with regular frequency. Acceptance is one of these. The aim with Living Enlightenment was to create a practice that would change how I experience my life. I wanted to step out of suffering into joy and contentment, but I found that I could not easily define this new experience I wanted. I knew exactly what I did not want, so I had to first start with defining this new me. I needed to understand what she would be doing and saying. The process of reframing what I did not want into positives I could create resulted in the Enlightenment Intentions.

Acceptance is not a new concept (especially for those of you who do spiritual reading), however what was new was the thought that I could actively and consciously create this in my life. For some reason I had always expected things like Acceptance to arrive one day, when the new me was finally bestowed on me (not that I knew how that would happen or what would create that either…. I had a vague idea that I needed to be doing things, achieving things…world records, a directorship in the workplace…. )

But back to Acceptance. It is one of my favourite Enlightenment Intentions to practice and dare I say, one of the hardest. It does not matter how many times I revisit this simple little word, I always learn something new. When I take a look at my own life, most of the anguish (and dare I say, suffering) I experience is caused by the fight I am in with the world. In my mind a story goes round and round… this is not the way it is supposed to be! It is supposed to be different! I am supposed to be different! The problem is, the more I fight, the harder life gets and the more miserable I get.

But during those moments where I can just relax and Accept that the world is what it is...I find that I can consciously choose to let go of having to judge every moment...then something new happens - I find laughter and joy bubbling into my day. It is more than that though. The moment I relax and just ‘Accept’ where I am (and what I have) is the moment I can really start to engage with what is and it is in that moment I find I can create a new experience. When I am not fighting, I can make new choices, act in a different way and say different things. The lesson of ‘Accepting what is’ was THE thing that took me the longest to learn on my way to a world record. For years I was the good girl, patiently waiting for things to change and be the way I thought they should. I should have a team of eager and enthusiastic (and supportive) divers, I should have someone like world record holder Nuno Gomes there to guide me and ensure I did not make any mistakes, I should have the equipment I needed... the list of the things that would need to be in place before I could really get going was quite long. And then one day I got fed up waiting! It was now or never- I either went ahead and made a pan to dive with what I had or I gave up and walked back into my rather boring and normal life. Needless to say I chose to let go of all the things I should have and instead work with what I had. I chose to ACCEPT where and who I was and in that moment a weight lifted off my shoulders. I was able to start making decisions, all of a sudden consequences I had been avoiding were easy to accept. The result ? My 146 meter dive, which was a dive that petrified me as I did it on my own (breaking all the so called rules), but that was the dive that got me full corporate sponsorship, a dive team, gear and my first world record attempt.

These days I take the practice of Acceptance into my work and personal life. It is not easy to sit in a meeting and make a choice to not be irritated or defensive but instead take a deep breath and just accept everyone without fighting and get on with my job… but it is rewarding.

So how do you bring the energy of Acceptance into your life? What is it you practice? This is not something I can answer for you. Living Enlightenment is a choice that you make to explore who you are and what the different Enlightenment Intentions mean for you. The place to start is with a set of questions that are open ended. Keep on asking the questions becoming aware of your answers as they change and you grow. So….

What would open up for you if you started being Acceptance ? If you let go of resisting, let go of attachment and just breathed who would you be ? What would you be saying and doing? Where in your life would Acceptance bring change? If you were already living in full Acceptance of your life, its circumstances and the people that surround you, what would your life be like? Now.... how can you start to bring that intention, that energy of Acceptance into this moment, this day?

Getting Started Living Consciously - Managing Emotions

Over the last decade (if not more) I have been obsessed with one thing, escaping suffering. For most of my life I have felt like a stranger in my own life. I have no control! Everything I say or do is driven by one thing and one thing only. My emotions!

In my search to escape suffering I have read most everything I could find in an attempt to escape. I soon realised that I hadn’t a clue who I was being emotionally. Around me people reported that I was angry or sad, but I was oblivious. How had I become so disconnected from myself. With an effort I started to pay attention to these pesky things called emotions, and soon realised why I had spent to so long with amnesia –  they were out of control. Bottled up for so long, my emotions were so desperate to move and flow, to be heard and acknowledged that I felt almost completely overwhelmed.  Ignoring how I felt because it was uncomfortable feeling was no longer an option. So I let them go, let them be what they needed to be. I let the memories come and go, holding onto nothing, just acknowledging that this is who I am, who I was…. And to my surprise after a while they were spent out. There, but no longer a controlling force. They no longer demanded my attention. I had survived the emotions that my child’s brain had told me would destroy me!

When I look at the journey I am on, I realise what an important first step just acknowledging your emotions is. These days I talk about making choices in spite of my emotional attachment to ideas, people or places, but that is not an option if you are not able to let your emotions just be. My goal is to be Living Conscious Enlightenment which means that my emotions no longer dictate what I say or do (some days are easier than others). To get to that point I had to first dive into those emotions. I no longer fight my emotions but to get to that point where I could choose who I want to be in spite of what I was thinking and feeling, I had to first step into my biggest fear, feeling. 

Avoiding emotion is something a lot of us learn as children, indeed, it was the only way I could survive my parent’s divorce. I remember taking pride in never feeling, never crying – I could handle anything. And then, one day I could not. The problem was that hiding from my emotions had become a habit. The mere thought of experiencing one of those troublesome and unwanted things petrified me. How ? What was I supposed to do with them? How was I supposed to control them? For my whole life I had learnt that emotions were bad. They got in the way, they got me into trouble. They were the reason I overreacted at work, they were the thing that made me break out into frustrated and angry tears at the drop of the hat. I was spending so much energy keeping them in I had no energy for anything else.  No-one ever told me that emotions are a part of being human. They need not control your every response, your every moment. Emotions are water, they need to flow and slowly, step by step, I let them in.

It started simply enough, with just acknowledging what I was feeling when I was feeling it. Then as I started to become aware of this world inside me, I started to allow them to express themselves. First in the privacy of my own head (where there are no witnesses and no judges telling me I am wrong), then in public. I can’t say my first attempts were very successful. I had never had any experience or practice telling people how I felt, so I had no clue what words to use. But as I gave myself permission to exist and feel, it started to become easier. Is this what all those books on Emotional Intelligence were talking about ?

These days I find that I still have too much energy in my emotions, which means that often the words I use come out with too much force, so I am not focusing on taking the time to acknowledge and be present with my emotions, to let all that energy spend itself before I express myself. Some days that is not possible and on those days I just give myself permission to exist. It is no longer about getting it right, it is now about not backing down and letting my fear get in the way. Every time I engage with both my emotions and express what I am feeling (and needing ) is a success and every time I do it, I get a little better at it. One day I will re-read this and wonder how emotions were ever an issue. I hope I remember the journey to get to that point and how it took a conscious choice and yes, courage. No-one ever said that Living Enlightenment was going to be easy, but as I walk this road it seems to get less difficult, or maybe the rewards become more present as I reconnect with me.

Transforming Self Doubt - Creating Conscious Deserving.

The other day I was asked an interesting question, what is stopping me? From the long list of really, really good reasons only one turned out to be true, my self doubt. Simply put, I don’t know what it is that I have to offer and until I know that there is no way I can stand up in front of the world (and its inherent critics) and exist. This fact fascinated me. Could self doubt really be such a powerful force ? In that moment of awareness I suddenly saw my life from a slightly different angle and from there, doubt was a persistent presence that had kept me trapped in mediocrity and sameness for my entire life. Doubting my worth had been the trap that had held me on my world record journey. It alone is able to stop my momentum. I don’t even need to step out into the range of the world’s critics. In my head I have my own critic and she is always asking me simple, unanswerable questions... Why am I different? What have I got to offer ? Why am I special ? In my mind I am a normal, flawed person who has a long way to go. In my mind I have a list of things that need to be improved on, a set of reasons why I will never be really special and could never be better than the person next to me, never mind the greats out there. Who am I to challenge people like Oprah, Deepak Chopra or world record holder Nuno Gomes. They are special! They are not me! I am nobody!

As I put words to this thing called self doubt I am able to finally see it’s shape. When did I learn to see only my faults? Why is that my default view of life? Why is being the best me I can be something that will inherently disempower the people around me? And why does the mere idea of standing out from the crowd and living up to my potential fill me with guilt... awful, gut wrenching guilt and embarrassment. Somehow I believe that being me is be an act of deliberate defiance, one that is intended to out shine you and so make you look stupid. There, hidden underneath it all is this voice saying over and over again, do not make him (or her) look bad, adjust who you are so they always shine, never, ever make someone else look or feel stupid simple because of who you are. An impossible (not to mention draining) task.

How insidious this way of thinking is! Hardly visible to the conscious mind and almost impossible to get a good grip on. With effort I wrench myself back into this moment, a moment where I have the ability to consciously choose. I am no longer living default me. I now choose to be conscious. I choose to be empowered. I choose to live enlightenment and this self doubt can not exist in that choice.

To Live Enlightenment is not about focusing on what you don’t want, it is about focusing on (and so creating) what you do want. Here I was focused exclusively on this beast called self doubt. I had lapsed back into my default unconscious mind. Time to stop and step back into consciousness. You can’t create a negative, so the first step would be to find the opposite of this thing called self doubt. If I no longer was filled with self doubt, who would I be? The word that came to me was one of my Enlightenment Intentions, Deserving. The moment I choose to be deserving I change how I view myself. I no longer see the list of things that are wrong with me, instead my focus is on a list of reasons why this will work, why I am the right person for the job. With that single word I no longer see you as someone whose power comes only when I make myself less so that you feel more.  Your power is a part of your being, something you can choose at any moment. In fact, that single word, Deserving, opens doors for all of us. We are all deserving, no-one more so than any other. The only difference seems to be that some people understand and live this and others, wait to be declared deserving by some external agency and so never step into their greatness.

Is it really so simple ? I knew the answer to that, a resounding Yes! My biggest fight in getting you to believe in living conscious enlightenment (and so stepping into your power) is to get you to let go of what you think is true and just get on with it. What if you could choose in any moment who you want to be, who you are ? What if it is the conscious act of choosing that changes your experiences? What if choice is the only way to step into your power ?

True empowerment is the ability to consciously choose in any moment of any day who you want to be. True choice is where you ignore what you don’t want, ignore the endless reasons why not and instead focus on why it is possible.

So this week is about letting go of waiting and instead living Deserving! Anyone want to join me and see what happens ?