Tuesday, March 6, 2012
I have a Right to Exist - I am Equal, Damnit!!
I know something is not right when simple things just make me explode. There I was, enjoying a cycle with my hounds when an idiot barrels down our residential road trying to avoid the traffic on (he only saves like 400 meters, but hey, that 3 minutes makes all the difference). Now, like most roads in South Africa, our road has no space for either pedestrians or bicycles and the universe in its wisdom chose that exact moment to ensure that where I needed to actually cycle was in the middle of my lane so as to avoid a pedestrian, two dustbins and one driveway. Normally I am a good little cyclist who acknowledges that I should never have dared leave my house and be so arrogant as to actually use the road. The idiot decided hooted (good thing I don’t surprise easily) and then spent a good 5 seconds waving at me in a decidedly unfriendly fashion as he roared past in his rather common German vehicle. It was when I started waving back that I realised that I am intensely angry with the universe right now, or rather with the people who occupy it! I know! Hardly an enlightened approach to the world but I have never claimed enlightenment, only a yearning for the peace and joy that comes with it..
This is just the story that brought it all together for me. There is also the story of a boy whose nose was broken after being sucker punched at school (in front of teachers) and then nothing happened to the attacker. No-one stood up for him, in fact, everyone around him sympathised with the bully (the poor boy, his parents are divorced, it is so hard), totally ignoring the fact that he also has a set of circumstances that he is battling with. There is also the story of a girl who spends her life making sure that the needs of the people around her are met, sacrificing her own in the process and so losing her identity and joy bit by bit. Three stories where we all somehow are expected to be less than the people around us. Three stories that describe how we teach people that they are more important than we are and that that they can treat us like dirt.
When did we learn this ? When did we learn that we are not equal ? When did we learn that to exist in the world we have to help everyone else get what they want and need at the expense of who we are and what we need ? And why does this make me so angry ?
I fundamentally know that the answer to this is not anger and that if I accepted and knew I was equal I would never have to fight for that equality but it still pushes every button when I see unthinking people attempt to overpower and consume the space and energy of others. You are not more important than I am! I am not more important than you are ! The rage wells up - it always has. I find myself fighting against the idea that it is wrong to fight for one’s own space and needs. I hate this unconscious idea that to look after one’s self is selfish and takes away from others. What about my life ? If I don’t look after my life who will ? Never mind that, would I trust anyone out there to always be taking into account my needs ? How would they know what they even were ? I am so tired of people thinking they know what is best for me or what I can or can not do? I am so tired of being stuck in a box that others have made and then in the ultimate moment of humiliation, made me believe in!
So I sit, and just let the feelings swirl, not denying anything, just accepting what is, knowing that a moment of peace will come. I know that I control the thoughts in my mind and so I start a mantra….I am equal! I am equal! I am equal! And I know that this is a message I need to shout out load. I am equal and so are you! I know this is a message I need to teach! This is a message you need to know!
You are equal!
You have a right to the life you dream about!
You have a right to people in your life who love you and respect you and hear you!
You deserve to be here!
You deserve to be listened to!
Start living as if you believed these rights!
Step into your courage and trust the universe! Start speaking your needs and wants. Yes! You may lose some people (you may lose them all) but here is the thing, you will only have lost the people who kept you small and weak. They were the people who used you. They were the people who got their needs met at the expense of your own. You never needed them! They needed you! It is time you found the right people to fill your life. Know this, you are loved! You are not alone! But you need to create space in your life for the new to fill. Let go and let people who want to hear what you need and who expect you to voice those needs into your life!
I will not stop telling you this until you finally know it, live it and breathe it. You are equal! You are equal! You are equal! Feel it so that you can create it with your actions!