Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Just Who Do You Think You Are ?
I have some very clear memories of my father (amongst others) standing over me and shouting, “Just who do you think you are ?” I knew in that moment that I was nothing ! I was insignificant, barely worthy of breathing and how dare I even think that I could…. (insert here a number of things) - how dare I think I could have an opinion, how dare I think I could do something extra ordinary, how dare I think I was better than everyone else and so special. Even writing these words brings up feelings I would rather not acknowledge. Intense shame, humiliation, guilt and also bewilderment! What do you mean who do I think I am ? I am me! Why on earth can’t I do what I am good at without it being seen as a direct challenge and insult to you ? Why when I am good at what I do does it mean I am demeaning and humiliating you ?
I was only seven or eight for most of these encounters so barely able to stand up for myself and with no language or reasoning skills to answer such an intrusive question. Even now as an adult, I find that moment encroaches in everything I do and say. It was one of the stumbling blocks on my journey to the label deepest simply because embedded in my psyche was this strong message not to upset the apple cart, not to be bigger than my britches, not to show up anyone else – an impossible task when your goal is a world record.
Just who do I think I am ? Normal, ordinary, just like you…. Oh, and I am the deepest woman in the world which basically means that so could you be. The question is, who do you think are ? Who you could be if you let go of who the world has told you you should be ? What if you were deserving ?